Cisco- Growing up Gay
As far back as I can remember I’ve felt this way. I always knew I was different growing up. I think, even as early as five of six years old I’ve known I was gay. Gay was something you did NOT want to be growing up in Denver in the 1980’s. I always knew it was a part of me but it was something I dared not tell anyone. For the longest time, it was my deepest, darkest secret.
Growing up, I quickly learned what was acceptable and what wasn’t acceptable. I learned what would make people call me a “fag” and what would make people accept me. By the time I got into junior high, I had a happy social life and best of all, no one called me “gay.” As I grew into my body and puberty set in, my sexual urges also began to set in. I tried even harder to play the straight role. By then, I truly knew what I wanted and what I liked but kept that part of me buried deep inside.
I was pretty good at playing the straight role. I had a steady girl friend who I was having sex with on the regular. The sex was good and I truly thought in my heart I could make this “straight” thing work. It was all about the image I wanted to portray. I always imagined having a wife, 2.5 kids and a home.
I remember my first sexual experience with another boy was at 16 years old with a good homeboy of mine. We used to sleep in the same bed when he would spend the night. Little did my parents know what was going on right across the hallway underneath the sheets in my water bed. After it was all over, my homeboy and I never spoke a word about it. We never talked about, we never mentioned it. We acted like it didn’t even happen.
My urges for men grew stronger and stronger. The more I felt the urge, the more I pushed it deeper inside myself. I would pray to God every night hoping that one day, I would wake up and be “normal.” Every morning was the same thing…..I’d wake up the same boy that went to bed the night before. I accepted that this was something that would never go away but possibly, I could keep it under control.
The birth of my daughter complicated things even worse and I felt even more pressure to be the perfect father, the perfect role model, the perfect husband. Despite trying to do the right thing, I couldn’t suppress my urge to have sex with men. I eventually met the man that was to become my boyfriend for the next eight years. He was my support system and helped me come to terms with who I was.
Coming out wasn’t easy. I took my mom to lunch at Bennigan’s and told her the deal. Just forming the words to come out my mouth was hard. I was sweating and shaking. I couldn’t believe I was even saying it, “Mom, I’m gay.” My mom couldn’t believe it. She denied it at first, saying, “no you’re not, no way, you can’t be.” As I sat there and began to cry, she knew it was true. I think deep down she knew, moms always know……
It takes a lot of strength and courage to come out of the closet and be true to your self. I thank God he gave me the strength to be who I am and I thank him for making me the gay man I am today. What some people fail to understand is being gay is not a choice, its how we are. Its no more of a choice than the color of your skin or the shape of your face. It is something that is a part of us and should be celebrated, valued and recognized.
A good friend of mine, Alan puts it best:
When we affirm Gay Sensibility we claim our good fortunes as men who love men, as spiritual visionaries, as gatekeepers to cultures, and as messengers of beauty. Gay Sensibilty permits and welcomes pluralized assertions of masculinity and homosexuality, namely, "masculinities" and "homosexualities."
Affirming Gay Sensibility encourages and nourishes our hearts' potentials while healing the many hurts inflicted by shame and rejection. Living in the brilliant truth of Gay Sensibility is our noble quest and inheritance. Gay Sensibility exceeds self-acceptance and feeling proud; it assumes celebration!”
Much luv,
CISCO
I am one in the shadows.
Hey Cisco,
First and foremost you're doing a great job on the site and you're still looking HOT! I think i know where you're coming from, and i am sure many could relate. I dont need some advice but more of your opinion. I am a latino growing up in a strong hispanic culture. I am one of the many whom are still in the closet because im afraid to open the door. I know that when i open the door, i can take a sigh of relieve but till then its very hard. My family like many latino families have a negative image of gays. I'm trying to sell the whole i'm straight image, but its getting harder. because when i go out with my friends, they see this hot chick going by and she doesnt catch my eye, and i am forced to say something like "damn look at her" to hide my gay image., It's even harder to see a hot dude walk by without checking him out. I want to check out the hot guys without being criticized. My distant cousin came out of the closet and he's been getting a lot shit by the family. I am afraid of disappointing my mom. She always tells me how she wants to take care of my kids, and she tells me to pick out the right girl. At nights like today i cry to think, it will not happen because i dont see myself fucking a girl and being a fake relationship [it will only hurt her]. I want to come out but again i am extremely afraid. I am 20 years old. I lost my virginity at 16 to my friend, and after i had sex with him, i knew there was no way i could be with a girl. I also want to become a politician, and that is another reason why i dont come out of the closet, A lot of politicians get trashed for being gay and they are forced to quit. I have a 4.0 GPA in a major for political science and about to graduate. But, i dont know if i could live in the closet much longer. I'm afraid of what could be on the other door. I'm visiting San Francisco soon by myself and is there any advice you can give me to do there?
thanks for the feedback.
HUMPS and KISSES.
Man-E
Hey Man-E
I read what you road to Cisco and thought maybe my 2 cents would be worth something to you. I know it is hard being from latino family because my family is mexican and are very conservative, now I told most of my family about me and the rest eventually found out. I feel as if I am in the military due to the fact that they take the "don't ask don't tell" theory with me. I haven't brought a guy around because I want to bring the right guy. Ok but enough about me back to you, I think you need to be open about yourself because you will never truly be happy even if it is so hard when someone in your family changes the way they treat you. The thing that people need to understand is that your sexual orientation does not change the person you are, your true friends and the people that deserve to be around you will appreciate you regardless. Now for the politician thing, they are critized for being caught in gay acts or for putting up the front that they are straight, you must be honest with your voters because nothing stays hidden.
Coming Out
Sup Man-E. I first want to say thank you for writing and for being a part of YOCISCO.com.
I want to let you know you are not alone and what you are going through is no different than what most of us have been through. The coming out process is never easy, especially in a Latino family. We all want to make our families proud, especially our parents. You can still do that in other ways but please know, you can't live your life on someone else’s terms. You have to live your life for you. Life can be truly miserable for you and everyone around you if you are living a big lie.
The coming out process will be hard, it rarely is ever easy. I was about your age when I came out. It may seem like the end of the world when you do come out but trust, things will get better as time goes on. Its important to remember to communicate with your family that being gay is not a choice and that you are still the same person as you were before you came out. Also, make sure you have a strong support system of people to help you through the coming out process. It’s always good to have people to talk to that know what you are going through. There are many gay organizations out there to help you through the process and provide counseling. Not sure what city you are in but try Googling “gay support groups” and the city where you are. This will help you find people that can truly help you through the process if you don’t know any other gay people.
As far as your career choices, don’t let anything stop you. Fortunately, we are living in a day and age where being gay is now more accepted than ever. I think where politicians go wrong is that they live their lives a big lie and then are “outed,” ending up in a big media scandal that puts their character in question. If you just be who you are, you can focus on your goals and your dreams.
All in all, I know this is a scary and confusing time for you. I promise you there is sunshine after the rain. Just hang in there and be true to yourself. You will be glad you did and you will have peace in your heart.
Hit me up and let me know how things go!
Much much luv
CISCO
Cisco for president.
thanks for the feedback cisco. that really helped a lot. I know i will come out, but i think i need to find the right time.
I had another concern. I'm not sure if you've had the same problem. But, I want to get in shape but unlike most people i want to put up the weight. I am 20 years old and weigh roughly around 140. I try tog et my weight up and put "meat in my bones". because i have friends same age and same weight but they look like they have meat in their bones. Help me out, give me some tips....thanks for the love. holla back.
peace, love and unity.
Man-e!
P.S. too bad you're not a presidential candidate or i would've so voted for you!
Question
Hey Cisco I was wondering how you handle the situation with your daughter and being gay. A close friend of mine has been sending me mixed signals about his orientation, but has a daughter. He got back with the mother of his daughter and nothing has changed. I also noticed the many times I visited he has never kissed her. Now, at the moment I am more concerned with him lying to himself than me trying to get into his pants. He is a great father and friend, but I feel that he had a kid to cover up things. He is very sad with his woman but I think he has no one to talk to about it, at least i have my best friend/sister/ and most recently I came out to my brother which was at least to say "a weight off my shoulders." Should I come out to him and see if he bites or be careful, I really do not want to lose him as a friend but at the same time I hate to see him sad at that point he needs to get high to be happy. By the way don't get me wrong, he loves his daughter and I have never seen his face light up the way it does when he is with his daughter.
What do you think?
Great to see that you have a website.
Sincerely,
PRFreak25 (Chi-town Luv)
Your Homeboy
PRFreak25,
Thanks for writing in. Looks like your friend is very unhappy. Are you sure it is because he is gay? Could it be he is just unhappy from his girlfriend? What kind of mixed signals is he giving you?
I think everyone has their time when they are ready to come out. That's great that you have come out already, it feels good when you finally do. If you want to come out to your homeboy, do it for the right reasons. I wouldn't do it expecting him to come out as well. If you think you may lose his friendship because your gay, maybe you don't have a good friendship.
I would let my homeboy know I was there for him no matter what and leave it at that. If he feels comfortable enough he will eventually come out to you. Don't push it though, let him come out in his own time. Again, just let him know you are there for him no matter what.
Fill me in a little more about the mixed signals, curious to know.
Holla back
CISCO
SWEEET
hey Cisco, whats up man? this was an awesome blog! i also grew up straight acting and fooled many people (even some gays haha) but it was soooo liberating once i did come out to the whole family, luckily for me they were all accepting which is not common in many of these stories. so hopefully your story will help many other young (and old) ones reach their full potential and not having to hide an longer.
p.s. I do want to point out though, that the older you got and the more you came to realize about yourself, the more fabulous you got in your pics!! haha jk man Keep up the good work!! again, love the site!
Growing up Gay
grim554,
Thank you for the comment post! That is good your coming out went well. For the most part, mines did too. My family loves me and has accepted me for who I am. For that I am so so thankful. Many GLBT aren't so lucky, especially within the Black and Latino communities.
LOL, I have grown into my skin, you are right.....As a child I was always so insecure because I knew I was gay. I am now proud of who I am and hope others can be as well.
Thanks so much for being a part of YOCISCO.com
Much luv.
CISCO
Growing Up Gay....
WOW...you really brought back some heavy memories for me. I was born in October 1964. Being gay in the early 70's wasn't easy either. Alot of your story is also my story. My first sexual experience happened the day after my 18th birthday with a friend of mine in college who wasn't shy about telling me what he wanted. The day before was my birthday, so I lost my virginity to my girlfriend that night. Guess which one I enjoyed more? That didn't make it easier to come out. I didn't fully come out until I was almost 30 years old. Now that i'm 43 I have realized that the issue of me being gay isn't my issue, but theirs and they are the ones with the problem.
Here's to you and others like us!!
Growing up Gay- Cisco's Blog
Chief Bust A Nut (lol) - I like that screen name by the way....
I dont think it was easy for anyone coming out before the 1990's, really. Only until recently has the gay lifestyle been introduced and integrated into the mainstream.
So you came out at 30, thats great! Everyone has their time when they have to be themselves. I was 21 when I came out and now at 30, I can finally say Im comfortable in my own skin.
You are right, if people have a problem with it, its their issue. Gay people have been around since people have been around.
I appreciate your post and thank you so much for being a part of YOCISCO.com
Much luv,
CISCO